Dork tricks
The following statements I consider to be established facts: 1. Every male human currently aged between 18 and 30 used to skate, and most of them secretly wish that they still did. 2. Generally, dedicated skateboarders are stupider than the rest of the population. 3. After you have been skateboarding long enough to realize that you will never be among the talented, hard-working few who are fortunate enough to skateboard professionally, you adjust your aspirations accordingly. In extreme cases, this results in people attempting to do extraordinarily stupid tricks. Some people call these “dork tricks.”
Here are some dork tricks that I have imagined, but never successfully executed.
1. The 90 no-comply kickflip off a parking block. This trick stems from my observation that if you attempt to do a 180 no-comply off of a curb, your board will make it about 90 before the back wheels hit the curb sideways, at which point the board will spin uncontrollably. If you started out going fast enough, I think you might be able to land it.
2. The simultaneous noseslide and bluntslide. This trick I imagined after realizing that I didn’t really need to ollie to noseslide a bench. I think if I found a pretty high bench with a curb in front of it, I could noseslide and bluntslide at the same time. (A related trick is the flatground bluntslide, which I believe John Thomas, or perhaps some equally cavalier athlete, like Bill Danforth, performed in the Streetstyle in Tempe video that I spent too much time watching in the late 80’s.
3. One very dumb trick that I have spent quite some time failing to do is the ollie kingpin stall on a bench corner, which is also a good way to gouge the hell out of your board. I have seen someone successfully land on his rear kingpin, with his board sticking out over the bench, but as far as I know, it has never been landed.
4. This trick doesn’t involve a skateboard, but it is so remarkably stupid, I thought I should mention it. You know that if you are wearing knee pads, you can slide down a ramp on your knees with your feet tucked under you. You did not know that if you are wearing a helmet, you can lean forward and slide on your head too. You can, and I have the video to prove it. The youth filmed actually slides off the quarterpipe onto the driveway a few feet.
5. This is one dork trick that I have completed successfully– the milk crate slide. You ride very fast down a hill carrying a milk crate. Then, when you have some smooth pavement in front of you, you hold the crate to your ass and sit down. Inevitably, you swerve out of control frontside.
6. I have seen two friends of mine cut their faces skateboarding, and they both did it trying this trick. Stand with both feet on the tail of your board so the front lifts up. Then grab the nose with both hands, so you look like Christian Hosoi doing a rocket air on flat ground. Now attempt to hop and hold the board to your feet so you land on all four wheels. You will fall forward, and your face will hit before you can let go of the board. If you do let go, it will spring up and hit you in the teeth.